Wacky Horoscopes

Your hairbrush will gain sentience and start giving you daily pep talks.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Allow a psychopomp of funerals to ally you with a grizzly

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Turn a simple tax audit into a great success

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

An ancient menagerie of animals will gather around you, ready to perform a show.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You will have an important decision to make today. Luckily, it will be a decision between a red dress and a blue dress, so it's not that hard after all.

Like a lotus blossoming in the midst of a pond, you shall emerge from your struggles today, radiating beauty and resilience. Embrace the fullness of life's challenges, for they are what allow us to appreciate moments of true tranquility.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

When you meet a new person, you have to make weird noises at them.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You'll realize that you can better someone you know at draughts... hours later when you regain consciousness

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Eurovision fans know Ukraine 2007 is the bee's knees, elimination of doubts imminent.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

A spontaneous trip to the zoo will lead to an unexpected encounter with a giraffe. The giraffe will offer you insightful life advice, but you will have to decipher its meaning through subtle gestures as it is too tall to talk to you face-to-face.