Saturday, April 12, 2025
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Be weary of all old people on the beach today, especially those offering to help you bury your new pet.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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You'll suddenly discover that you've developed the ability to time jump.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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Today, you will transform your hand into a genie lamp, granting you wishes with pure awesome power. Check if you can reverse its effects.
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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Remember that your dog comprehends every word you say, so choose your words wisely.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Today is a good day to think about what you want to do with your life, or at the very least the next hour. Avoid making any sudden decisions as it could have drastic consequences for the space-time continuum.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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There is a meerkat watching and it will come for you
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Today you will discover that you can't sleep anymore. You're a god now.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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There is an Autobahn shortcut that will save you 20 minutes on your commute home today. It will also take you through the sewer. Trust your instincts on this one. If your commute doesn't go on an Autobahn it must be metaphorical I guess.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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Time to update your CV with some very unique skills: sheep shearing, pottery making and sailing a small boat.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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Your alarm clock will start playing catchy tunes in the morning, transforming waking up into a dance party.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Never tell a Gemini how much you hate them. They can read the wrinkles in your forehead like Braille.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
