Wacky Horoscopes

You will find a hidden talent in manipulating bubble wrap. Don't worry, the bubbles are feeling liberated.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

To get a dinosaur to smile, tickle its ears.

20 Apr – 20 May

You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.

21 May – 20 Jun

A dog will lick your face today.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will go on a triple date with three very old ladies, who will each try to steal you away from your girlfriend

23 Jul – 22 Aug

There is no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're a mouse.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

That Uber account is expensive enough without your cat's penchant for carousing.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You have a unique talent! Use it to win the goldfish lottery.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You'll think you've found the perfect insult for someone until you realize it's directed at yourself.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you will be bored ever since you became a grownup.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You will meet an annoying person today. Give them coffee and a set square and they'll go away

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Today you will develop the ability to speak to inanimate objects. Your conversations will be enlightening and bizarre.

19 Feb – 20 Mar