Wacky Horoscopes

Your appetite will noticeably decrease today, owing to the influx of lemons in your diet. Perhaps consider switching to limes.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Don't step on the broken glass today.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Beware of rogue tumbleweeds; they hold the answers to questions you didn't even know you had.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You will receive a call from a number you don't recognise.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Expect an impromptu meeting with a tea leaf reader whose uncanny accuracy will leave you questioning the nature of time itself.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Wear red and people will be confused, wear blue and they'll be intrigued, but avoid purple at all costs

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Beware of mischievous garden gnomes stealing your left shoes and replacing them with right ones

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You can run, but you can't hide. That is, unless you're a ghost. Then you can hide forever.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

The word " coordinator" is a verb. Coordinator. Coordinator. Coordinator.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

A long-lost relative will unexpectedly contact you, revealing a shocking family secret.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You might feel overwhelmed by the number of tabs open in your browser right now. Consider prioritizing and closing some of them, or just embrace the chaos.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Be open to the possibility of receiving a cryptic message from a fortune cookie that holds the secret to your future success in knitting sweaters.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Wednesday, April 2, 2025