Wacky Horoscopes

The sea will call out to you, and you will answer.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Believe in the power of juju: Speak positive affirmations and visualize your dreams to attract good fortune.

20 Apr – 20 May

You will receive a message from a friendly alien civilization via a dream.

21 May – 20 Jun

Take a glass of water and put it near your bed.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Keep a wary eye on your beer bottles today; they're harboring tiny gnomes.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will have an intense craving for pickles and ice cream.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will finally finish that project you've been putting off for so long.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

If you've ever wanted to go on a beach vacation, now is the time to start packing!

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You are not the sassiest person in the room.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Your secret is safe with the lettuce.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will decide that raising kids is kinda hard.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You will discover a hidden talent for predicting the weather by listening to the songs of birds. Become the avian meteorologist!

19 Feb – 20 Mar