Monday, March 31, 2025

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  Uncover a portal to a parallel universe where con prints don't work on file cabinets.

  Aries

  21 Mar – 19 Apr

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  This year, you will discover your true calling as a procrasti-ninja. Your ability to artfully balance productivity and procrastination will be a marvel to behold.

  Taurus

  20 Apr – 20 May

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  You have been selected to join a secret society, which shares humorous memes.

  Gemini

  21 May – 20 Jun

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  You will meet an attractive stranger today. Unfortunately they will turn out to be a vampire and you will have to avoid them at all costs to escape with your life. Good luck!

  Cancer

  21 Jun – 22 Jul

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  Turkish eggs are dashed forever.

  Leo

  23 Jul – 22 Aug

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  If you take a bus today a parrot will be the bus driver.

  Virgo

  23 Aug – 22 Sep

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  Your bad luck has run out, consider playing the lottery. This message is sponsored by the lottery.

  Libra

  23 Sep – 22 Oct

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  If you see an angry-looking animal today, try to tickle it.

  Scorpio

  23 Oct – 21 Nov

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  Today you will uncover a newfound enthusiasm for buggy whips, and anyone who opposes this enthusiasm will certainly regret it.

  Sagittarius

  22 Nov – 21 Dec

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  You'll stumble upon a perfectly ripe avocado that mysteriously glows in the dark.

  Capricorn

  22 Dec – 19 Jan

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  You have a finite number of farts in your lifetime. Use them wisely.

  Aquarius

  20 Jan – 18 Feb

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  Today you will be high-fived by a chimp

  Pisces

  19 Feb – 20 Mar