Wacky Horoscopes

Something you have been seeking is right under your nose. You will find it, right after you realize that you have been breathing through your nose the entire time.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

At 7pm GMT you will be stuck in traffic due to a moose on the road

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

You'll suddenly be awakened to an unfamiliar magical world, granting you powers that would seem useless

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will accidentally discover an online sketch comedy show that you're obsessed with

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

A chance encounter with a charismatic and eccentric artist will lead to an invitation to join them in an epic quest to discover the meaning of life through interpretive dance.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Attend a quinceañera with the ultimate chianti burger

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will secretly lust over the house across the street

Someone will tell an outrageously stupid joke today. Instead of rolling your eyes, try to appreciate the absurdity of life and embrace the laughter, however unintentional it may be. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Catch a polar bear with a bloody nose climb a tree

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

This year, you will find your true calling in the world of curse words. Your ability to artfully combine inventive expletives will be hailed as a masterpiece of creative cursing.