Monday, March 24, 2025
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Your week is like a fine wine, and you're about to get drunk off it. But remember, a wine stain is a terrible thing to waste, so maybe have a glass or two at most.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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The ethereal energies converge to bestow upon you the gift of divine guidance. Should you feel uncertain about your path, know that the stars themselves shine brighter for you today, to illuminate your way.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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Today you will accidentally provoke a dog and a mailman into dancing with each other while you hide indoors
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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As a sapling grows strongest when its branches reach towards the sun, so too shall your own aspirations find fortitude when you nourish them with the light of perseverance.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Your phone will today start speaking Russian
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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Beware of mischievous rubber ducks conspiring to flood your bathroom.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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If you find a wandering duck in your vicinity today, try to avoid renaming it "Jeff" and insisting it is your new best friend. Some things are best in their natural state.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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The number 666 will bring you luck
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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You are actually a pirate.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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A stranger will approach you with an offer to time travel. Before accepting, consider the potential consequences and ensure you have a reliable return ticket.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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An otherworldly encounter will spark profound realizations about the nature of reality, prompting a spontaneous UFO dance party.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Your love life will take a turn for the dramatic today. Expect a stormy confrontation with your partner over whether or not to use a coaster.Individuality is paramount.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
