Wacky Horoscopes

You have to poop.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will lose your glasses and find them on your head.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will have to fill 2 minutes with continuous laughter. Expect to fail

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will try a new diet

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will receive an unsolicited visit from your son and daughter in-law and will not be allowed to leave until you've finished eating all of their home cooked meals.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will be serenaded by a chorus of singing frogs during a moonlit stroll in the park.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will wake up speaking in tongues. It will turn out to be Morse code, and you will have received an important message from beyond!

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will eat three ice creams today. One for you, one for the road, and one for the finish line.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

A certain mystique is essential for allure, dispense with over-sharing on social media.

Your hands possess the ability to instantly thaw frozen food, and you will use this power to revolutionize the way we consume ice cream, finally putting an end to the misery of waiting minutes for a treat to soften.