Wacky Horoscopes

If you're feeling seasick, try looking at the horizon.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Beware of rogue tomatoes conspiring to create a salsa revolution in your kitchen.

20 Apr – 20 May

You'll suddenly possess the weirdest talent for winning at games of chance.

21 May – 20 Jun

Your true friends will communicate with you in Morse code, but be wary of impostors and the occasional cricket.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

The moon will ask you to be its partner.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

A new adventure awaits you, but first, you must answer the call of nature.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Uncover a portal to a parallel universe where con prints don't work on file cabinets.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today, you will speak with a fork. It will go much better than you expect!

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will accidentally turn your umbrella into a parachute. Float down with style!

22 Nov – 21 Dec

A unexpected encounter with a squirrel will remind you of the beauty in the mundane.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's when you know you've been reading too much astrological forecasts.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Allow a psychopomp of funerals to ally you with a grizzly

19 Feb – 20 Mar