Wacky Horoscopes

Ditch the usual morning routine and brush your teeth with pickles; your dental hygiene will thank you for the zesty change.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Prepare for a surprising twist during your daily commute when you stumble upon a hidden underground disco club on the subway.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will try and pray to God, and will receive no answer

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You've always wanted to be an astronaut, right? Today is the day you start your interstellar archaeology career by beginning to dig for extraterrestrial artifacts. Happy digging!

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You have an unhealthy obsession with bananas. Today is your lucky day.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

The best way to predict the future is to invent it. Unless you're a seer, in which case it's better to just go to the crystal ball store.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will suddenly realize that you don't need to sleep anymore.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You have a big heart, and you should treat it with care. For example, don't use it to try and carry anvils.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

The first snow of the year is coming early this year. Make sure you're ready!

You are destined for greatness in the world of casual insults. Your ability to deliver blistering comebacks with a deftness that would make a razor-tongued legend like Oscar Wilde envious will be unparalleled.