Wacky Horoscopes

Face your anxious mother-in-law with a grin and a box of chocolates

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will have a dream about visiting the underwater city of Atlantis tonight.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Ask questions in Turkish (maybe).

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You will win an intense game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, but it will leave you feeling uneasy.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You might consider wearing a hat this week. Unfortunately, the choice of hat is out of your control, as it will be dictated by the wind.

You will feel an unusual surge of energy today, and an intense desire to rearrange all of your furniture. After completing this task, you will feel a strong sense of accomplishment and a pleasing affinity for feng shui.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Time spent with a book is worth less than that with your next-door-neighbour's ferret.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will find a lost remote control in the most unexpected place.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Your new spirit animal is the elusive office stapler; channel its steadfast dedication to holding things together.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you will be buried alive

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

There is no point in trying to keep up with the Jones's, they are so far ahead of you and are cheating.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

If you're feeling lost, just follow the trail of puppy pics to find your way back to happiness.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Thursday, March 6, 2025