Wacky Horoscopes

Your laziness will pay off in unexpected ways.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You'll discover you've been accidentally borrowing the souls of your worst enemies, but it's okay because they're the worst.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

The traffic lights will turn green just for you.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Your phone will operate better once you upgrade its software, but you'll stubbornly refuse.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

If you see an angry-looking animal today, try to tickle it.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you'll accidentally turn into a mermaid every time water touches your skin. Just add water!

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You are the chosen one.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You have an outhouse in your backyard.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Your car will inexplicably stall at exactly 12:34 PM today. Do not be alarmed; this is a mere coincidence and won't happen again.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Try not to get between a moose and its Essen ale.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

This year, you will discover your true calling as a procrasti-ninja. Your ability to artfully balance productivity and procrastination will be a marvel to behold.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You are at least 93% water.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Saturday, March 1, 2025