Wacky Horoscopes

Celebrate with a Cancer

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You have an admirer, and they're really good at hiding it.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Today, you will stumble upon a forgotten journal from your childhood, filled with strangely accurate predictions about your current Netflix binge-watching choices.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will buy a cat a present.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Your procrastination will pay off in a big way. Someday, in the distant future, you will be awarded the Nobel Prize for having not invented anything.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Beware of your friends swapping your toothpaste with rainbow-colored frosting

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will be reincarnated as a butterfly.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today you will accidentally send a lewd message to your mentor

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

If you go to sleep tonight, you'll have the best dreams of your life.

There is an Autobahn shortcut that will save you 20 minutes on your commute home today. It will also take you through the sewer. Trust your instincts on this one. If your commute doesn't go on an Autobahn it must be metaphorical I guess.