Wacky Horoscopes

Today you will encounter a group of synchronized cows performing a ballet in the middle of a field.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Let your friend borrow your towel, it'll dry them up emotionally.

You will have a dream about having breakfast with Nigella Lawson. She will make corned beef hash, which will be disgusting and you will wake up feeling unsatisfied. Take this as a sign to incorporate more fibre into your diet.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Your boat will crash into your house. Don't worry, you don't own a boat... right?

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Aphrodite herself will emerge from the depths of the ocean to bless you with irresistible allure today. You will have to resist the urge to take advantage of this power, knowing that true love lies in the freedom to choose.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Embrace your inner child as you stumble upon a hidden stash of glitter-filled balloons during a routine closet cleanout.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will uncharacteristically lose a fierce debate, despite having the most logical argument.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You should do some kind of artistic expression today.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will have a dream about wooden spoons tonight. Don't worry, it's not symbolic, you just have a very active subconscious.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You've always wanted to indulge your inner archaeologist, and today is the day! Whether you find an actual relic or just uncover a new appreciation for your backyard, you'll uncover a buried treasure.