Wacky Horoscopes

Today you will surreptitiously check if travelers to Mars are slowly growing tails

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

People will notice your new haircut.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will be given a pack of puppy dogs to look after.

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will experience a disturbing lack of sense of urgency upon hearing the breaking news of last year's probably nonexistent nuclear war.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Your Toyotomi will turn into a robo-car, demanding you take him on a road trip. Embrace the robot adventure.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Beware of mischievous garden gnomes swapping your toothpaste with mayonnaise.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Oh my god you're so hot today.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

The best thing about Switzerland is I don't have to choose either Alps or Beach.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Sometimes, the best way to solve a problem is to take a nap. Today is one of those days.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

A flock of seagulls will gather outside your window and sing you a song.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will notice that you can grow plants simply by thinking about themselves

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You'll think of a great name for a band, but someone else will have already used it.

19 Feb – 20 Mar