Wacky Horoscopes

You have a long road ahead of you. Thankfully, you have some very tiny feet.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

If you ever wanted to buy a boat, now is the perfect time.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will have an intense craving for pickles and ice cream.

21 May – 20 Jun

The fairies in the garden have notes on your every move.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You might feel the urge to crawl into a shell like a turtle today. If you do, make sure it's not a literal shell, and maybe choose a comfortable one.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

A stray cat will adopt you as its personal masseuse. Expect purrfection.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Avoid adopting any more houseplants; your current ones are plotting a rebellion against your neglect.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

We will teach you never to lie and now you will discover an unexpectedly artistic vein deep inside of you

23 Oct – 21 Nov

If you're an ant, then today is your lucky day.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Be prepared for an unexpected reunion with a long-lost childhood imaginary friend who has unfortunately become an expert in cryptocurrency.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

If you do not take care of yourself, someone else will.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You'll find a semi-sentient cookie that will charm you with its crafty personality.

19 Feb – 20 Mar