Wacky Horoscopes

Today you will find out you're a chimera pretending to craft meadows

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Your procrastination will pay off in a big way. Someday, in the distant future, you will be awarded the Nobel Prize for having not invented anything.

20 Apr – 20 May

It's impossible to not smile when listening to Vivaldi's Four Seasons. That's just science.

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will encounter a magical talking donkey who will give you life advice.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Fight a whole army with a Sagittarius man

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Your last meal will be tacos.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Your television will start broadcasting messages from an alien civilization.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will discover a secret portal to a parallel universe behind your refrigerator.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Your yearly pity party is today. You can cry if you want to!

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will discover a new appreciation for the smell of torn up newspaper.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

There will be no chocolate in your advent calendar for the rest of the year. Sorry.

19 Feb – 20 Mar