Wacky Horoscopes

Don't go to work! There's a small chance of an alien invasion, and you don't want to be anywhere near the office in the event of an alien takeover.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

This year, you will embark on a journey to discover the ultimate hobby. Your quest to find the perfect activity that sparks joy, stimulates your mind, and provides a sense of fulfillment will be a voyage of self-discovery.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

If you're feeling overwhelmed this week, just remember: the universe is vast and incomprehensible. That should make you feel better.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Find a fairy altar and allow nature spirits to influence your decisions

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Do not fear change, be the change you want to see in the world. Unless it's your money, then you better keep an eye on it.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Your toaster will start producing perfectly toasted images of famous paintings.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Your enemies are planning an intervention. Celebrate tonight with an extravagant gesture, but don't tell them about it.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Your friends will insist on paying for your meals today as a show of their appreciation for your friendship. Don't insist on paying; instead, order the most extravagant thing on the menu.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you'll suddenly feel like taking a break from the fast-paced modern world. Remember to embrace the moment.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Recreate a freemason ritual in your spare bedroom

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Jump out of a moving train with a Libra

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Today you will embrace your inner pirate and talk like a sailor immobilizing everyone with your excruciating dialogue starting with arr and ending with matey Argh, ye scalawag! Ye better watch yer back today or ye might walk the plank amid a whim of steel!

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Thursday, January 2, 2025