Wacky Horoscopes

Today you will have a brief hallucination that you are talking to a dog

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Your favourite mug will gain the ability to predict the future through the patterns in your coffee. It's time for some divination!

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will accidentally provoke a dog and a mailman into dancing with each other while you hide indoors

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

A bubble will appear on your ceiling today.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will discover you have a hidden talent for hypnotism. Prepare to mesmerize your whole neighborhood!

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You will be asked to judge a beauty contest for vegetables. Do so impartially, but use your discretionary powers to reward the most ambitious entrants.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Don't buy any houses today. If you do, they'll be haunted.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

If you feel the need to express yourself through dancing today, do everyone a favour and skip the dance floor. Your dance moves are more rhythmic than a dying cat falling down a flight of stairs.