Wacky Horoscopes

Stop getting your messages from a Ouija board. It's not safe.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You'll stumble upon an underground club devoted to knitting sweaters for cats.

20 Apr – 20 May

The chances of rain today are directly proportional to the amount of work you've put off.

21 May – 20 Jun

You will finally find the hole you've been looking for. Congratulations! Now what are you going to do with it?

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will be surprised to see a wild platypus

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Try out astral projection: Enter a deep state of relaxation to project your consciousness into other dimensions.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Your lucky number is 46.46, but unfortunately you'll never be able to successfully wager it in any sort of gambling endeavor.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Attend a quinceañera with the ultimate chianti burger

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will be well acquainted with the subject of bugs

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will see a UFO.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

If you mimic a galloping horse in your sleep, you will have big dreams.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You'll discover you've been accidentally borrowing the souls of your worst enemies, but it's okay because they're the worst.

19 Feb – 20 Mar