Wacky Horoscopes

How many stars do you see in the sky? Theres only one way to find out.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

If you can read this, you are too close to the television.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

You will be visited by the ghosts of breakfast past, present and future today. They will either be friendly or just vengeful depending on if you have finished your breakfast.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will realize the label shaped' doesn't exist, and that you've been mislabeling ovals as oblongs for all your adult life

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

A random stranger will smile at you today. Don't be alarmed; they are not trying to conspire against you. In fact, they might just be thinking about how delicious your aura is.

Today is not a good day to fight a bear. Avoid any sudden increases in heartbeat, as this might trigger a bear attack. Some breathing exercises will soothe your nerves and avoid an unwanted bear encounter.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

There is no such thing as a free lunch. Unless you're a mouse.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will find a love letter in a book.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Your hairdryer will gain the ability to blow bubbles instead of hot air.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will pick up a penny and reflect on how far you've come.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today, you will be filled with an overwhelming desire to roller skate. If you heed this calling, do not do so in high-heels. Rollerskating is done in rollerskates.