Wacky Horoscopes

You will have a dream about having breakfast with Nigella Lawson. She will make corned beef hash, which will be disgusting and you will wake up feeling unsatisfied. Take this as a sign to incorporate more fibre into your diet.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

All your friends are laughing behind your back. Kill them.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

There is something you need to let go of. The thing you need to let go of is your attachment to this prediction.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You will win the lottery.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Embrace the joy of finding a hidden stash of bubble wrap that brings instant stress relief and oddly satisfying popping sounds.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

The stars predict that you will have an unexpected epiphany while doing mundane chores. Keep that sparkle in your eyes alive!

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will wake up to discover that all your floors are melting. Wear shoes.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Those were not contact lenses you put in this morning.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Don't be surprised if your usual takeaway order is delivered by a group of friendly bikers enjoying a scenic drive.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Your trousers will all perish in a surprise wildfire

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will be a coward for a few moments

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

The meaning of life is:

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Monday, December 16, 2024