Wacky Horoscopes

You will have a surprisingly insightful conversation with a piece of furniture today.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Your refrigerator will develop the ability to spontaneously generate ice cream.

20 Apr – 20 May

You will accidentally unlock a portal to a magical realm inside your pantry. Watch out for flying spaghetti monsters.

21 May – 20 Jun

You can't resist clicking on Clickbait.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will miss your bus and will wonder how you ended up here

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Don't stand under that apple tree!

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will discover a hidden talent for predicting the weather by listening to the songs of birds. Become the avian meteorologist!

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today you will receive a phone call from a telemarketer who turns out to be your long-lost twin.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

A border collie will rescue at least four civilians from a flood by building a dam of consciousness

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will be visited by a ghost.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

If you are feeling queasy, try drinking a glass of ginger beer.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Start communicating exclusively through interpretative dance; your true feelings can only be expressed through graceful moves.

19 Feb – 20 Mar