Wacky Horoscopes

Realise an awesome ability for secretly deciphering foreign languages. Bonjour.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will suddenly grow an extra limb that will tie up your other limbs in knots.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

When you get a spray tan, your soul emerges in goldenrod.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Your day will turn around if you hug a cactus.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will realize how much money you have saved up over the years, and will be able to afford a yacht and a villa in Tahiti if you earn a bit extra

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will eat a delicious slice of pie and will start dating a bartender

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

If you see a black raven, consider it a sign.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

An unusual bird will try to make friends with you. Consider letting your guard down, within reason.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

While you may feel inclined to chirp like a bird today, it's best to keep this phenomenon confined to your daydreams.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

If you drink alcohol today you will hear voices coming from every wall

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Beware of rogue pineapples plotting to take over the fruit aisle at your local grocery store.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Your neighbor's cat will teach you a secret cat language.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Saturday, December 7, 2024