Wacky Horoscopes

Today you will be visited by a talking teapot who will offer you words of wisdom over a cup of tea.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today you will try and pray to God, and will receive no answer

20 Apr – 20 May

If your hand's bigger than a lobster's, you're in for a shock.

21 May – 20 Jun

Practice gratitude: Take time each day to reflect on the things you're thankful for to cultivate a positive mindset.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will accidentally turn your bathtub into a jacuzzi filled with spaghetti.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

An enemy will try to bring you down today. Don't worry, their efforts will prove futile because of your steadfast resolve and impeccable posture.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will buy yourself a plane ticket to London, and then forget about it once you get there

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Take what you can from others, because they will surely take from you. Then burn everything and start over.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Beware of rogue garden hoses conspiring to trip you.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Watch a fire with a smooth Gemini.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Make love with a stiff-necked Libra

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Prepare to witness a synchronized dance routine performed by a group of synchronized shopping carts at the supermarket.

19 Feb – 20 Mar