Wacky Horoscopes

Today, you will receive an inheritance of $5,000, but you will spend it all on a single lunch.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today you will develop a sudden affinity for wearing mismatched socks.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will receive an amazing christmas present you don't expect.

21 May – 20 Jun

Did you know your great grandfather invented beards? He did, and for that we are all grateful.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You may not be the best, but you are the best for someone. Be there for that someone today.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Your mother will be unable to attend your brunch due to a strike. Eat those Turkish eggs solo and contemplate whether UPS will deliver to Pluto.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will watch the sun rise, and will somehow realize that you don't want it ever to set again

23 Sep – 22 Oct

The stock market is doing well, if you own stock in tofu nuggets.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Don't bother taking an umbrella with you today. It's going to be a bright and sunny day. Unless it isn't.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

People will judge you for drinking too much water.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will discover you have the ability to manipulate reality with swipes of your hand

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Your procrastination will pay off in a big way. Someday, in the distant future, you will be awarded the Nobel Prize for having not invented anything.

19 Feb – 20 Mar