Wacky Horoscopes

A box of rat poison is actually a box of chocolates. Be careful when you open it.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Talk yourself into remembering your thirty-third birthday by eating passion fruit

20 Apr – 20 May

An unexpected visitor will show up at your door, but their intentions will be less than wholesome.

21 May – 20 Jun

If you have a problem, ask a toddler. They will have a much simpler and effective solution than you.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You may never know when you will need a big bag of extra-strength deodorant. So just keep one on hand at all times.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

A clandestine crush will reveal themselves through an ambiguous text message.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will find a mysterious key that unlocks doors to fantastical realms. Prepare for magical encounters and thrilling quests.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today you will wake up and realize you've been writing poems all night and will win a prize

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Take a glass of water and put it near your bed.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you'll stumble throughout an abandoned house, but will find absolutely nothing.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You'll suddenly be awakened to an unfamiliar magical world, granting you powers that would seem useless

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You will lose something, but it won't be important.

19 Feb – 20 Mar