Wacky Horoscopes

Today you will compete in a hot dog eating contest and win.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will meet a stranger who will change your life.

20 Apr – 20 May

You will have the uncanny ability to know exactly what time it is, without looking at a clock. Don't question it, just embrace this new superpower.

21 May – 20 Jun

Watch out for baby goats in trees today.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Beware of rogue limes conspiring to take over the fruit bowl.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You think today you may have anger for fri-yay

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You'll have a chance to show off your flirting skills at the bowling alley or duck pond and uncover a new side of your ping pong game.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

A flash mob will break out in a surprisingly coordinated dance number, and you will be asked to join in.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You'll discover a hidden talent for reading people's minds. It's great for interrogation purposes.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

A rogue asteroid will hit Earth today. Thankfully, it will only destroy a small desert in Belarus. Feel free to send it your condolences.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a fortune cookie.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Take what you can from others, because they will surely take from you. Then burn everything and start over.

19 Feb – 20 Mar