Wacky Horoscopes

You will crave pie today, and not just any pie, but a specific type of berry pie that you haven't tasted since childhood. Pursue this pie with reckless abandon, and enjoy every savoury bite.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Don't accept any free drinks whatsoever today.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Be cautious of overly aggressive paper clips; they might seem harmless, but they're plotting against your neatly organized documents.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent dolphin. Prepare for deep conversations in the ocean.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

If you feel inclined, try to communicate with aliens today. Stay vigilant for any sightings.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Avoid buying a new umbrella; your fate is linked to the one you left on the bus last Tuesday.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

A squirrel will steal your sandwich right out of your hands.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today you will dance in a library for no apparent reason

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You'll be visited the ghost of your future self, who is very concerned about you.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will receive an invitation to a party today that you cannot attend. Fake an illness to save face. Your excuse will be greatly exaggerated, but hey, better safe than sorry.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

That mysterious rash? It's probably not radioactive. Try not to worry about it. Nuclear waste isn't something that happens to everyone.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Your sense of humour is on the fritz. Have you tried adjusting your thermostat? Sometimes that fixes the problem.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Saturday, November 9, 2024