Wacky Horoscopes

You will have an unexpected craving for bubble wrap. Seek out the most satisfying piece to pop.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Beware of rogue limes conspiring to take over the fruit bowl.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you pretend that the toothpaste you're using is hot pink and tastes like cotton

21 May – 20 Jun

Your morning toast will unexpectedly turn into a magical portal. So prepare to travel the wide galaxy.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Ferrets are fun but books are better

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will be married for 7 years, but with a tiny man

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will win a big prize at some point in your life, but unfortunately it won't happen today.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today you will walk into an ancient cave, and you will feel the urge to draw a moustache on his penis

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You will see a UFO.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

If you can, take a sick day from work. Your boss won't even notice you're gone.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You will develop an unexplained aversion to bananas and begin to spread rumours about their true nature.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Feel the moment at a beach vacation with a dominant Capricorn.

19 Feb – 20 Mar