Wacky Horoscopes

If you ever wanted to buy a boat, now is the perfect time.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Bend a circle with an air hostess

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

You will find an extremely low IQ alien probe lying in your own backyard, and you will abandon it

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

I have seen the future and it is jeans.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will try using your hands like feet when you walk

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

The scent of mocha coffee will recently invade your apartment, doubling your heart rate

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

A person from your past might forget your name today. Don't be afraid to gently remind them, or just embrace the fact that some people are simply forgetful.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You still, to this day, think 'MySpace' is a cool name for a social networking site.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You've got this hidden talent for juggling anonymously

Today you will find yourself suddenly able to understand what dogs are saying. They are actually speaking an advanced form of Latin, and you will be astounded at how much they complain about their owners. Do not be alarmed when all the dogs start howling at noon.