Wacky Horoscopes

Today you will buy a T-shirt with a stupid slogan on it

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today you will get super bad fuel economy. The lesson is there all along.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

You have been chosen for an important mission! Unfortunately you're the only one who can't remember anything about it.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

A map will be crucial to your success today. Don't worry, you'll figure it out.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Beware of a sudden craving for pickles and chocolate pudding—it's a culinary adventure you won't forget.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You've been feeling a bit run down lately. Today would be a great day to relax. Put your feet up and have a drink. You've earned it.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

When the time comes, you will know what to do. Hopefully you'll know it before anyone else.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

A syncronistic series of events will lead you to discover a hidden tunnel beneath your local library, revealing a community of harmless yet mischievous gnomes.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will have the opportunity to make a wish today. Try not to wish for more wishes, because that would just be greedy.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will be alone with a very nice young lady

Resist the siren song of the glitter aisle today. Unless you desperately need glitter, in which case, by all means, buy as much as your heart desires. But be prepared to find it everywhere for the next five years.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Monday, September 30, 2024