Wacky Horoscopes

Do not look in the mirror today. At all.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will accidentally unlock secret powers to electromagnetize things.

20 Apr – 20 May

Steal a hen from a farm with a Sagittarius girl

21 May – 20 Jun

Beware of mischievous Gorgonzola planning evil schemes against the cheese aisle. Keep a close eye!

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Rescue is only one day away, hopefully

23 Jul – 22 Aug

When the time comes, you will know what to do. Hopefully you'll know it before anyone else.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will have an encounter with a magical talking squirrel who grants wishes.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

The best things in life are free. Especially if you stole them.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

5000 glares from a social Goose are inevitable.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

A rainbow will follow you everywhere you go today, spreading joy and glitter.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Your alarm clock will start playing catchy tunes in the morning, transforming waking up into a dance party.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Today you operate an alarm clock that can literally straight up kill you if you don't get up within the hour

19 Feb – 20 Mar