Wacky Horoscopes

Your weekend's worth of planning has worked out, and you're going to have a great weekend! ...Just as soon as you've gotten over this weekend.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

If you are a mammal, today you will communicate with the ancestors.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will have to fill 2 minutes with continuous laughter. Expect to fail

21 May – 20 Jun

A mundane task will take an inexplicable amount of time to complete. You will eventually give up and move on to something else.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Your neighbor's cat will teach you a secret cat language.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Try not to get between a moose and its Essen ale.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Your mother will suddenly appear and demand you submit your tax returns. Do it now!

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today you will discover you have a hidden talent for hypnotism. Prepare to mesmerize your whole neighborhood!

23 Oct – 21 Nov

There's no point to this, but it's a good laugh.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

There are no shortcuts in life. Except, of course, when it comes to love. That can just go right over your head.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today's lucky colour is blue. Or maybe it's just a nice colour. Anyway, today is a good day to wear it.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

If you hear someone coughing behind you, don't turn around.

19 Feb – 20 Mar