Friday, September 13, 2024
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Your inability to arrive on time for anything will result in Mother breathing her last breath just as you sit down for brunch.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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Today you will run through your neighbourhood and count how many Fireballs you encounter
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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Today you will be forcefully teleported to a different dimension
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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You may never know when you will need a big bag of extra-strength deodorant. So just keep one on hand at all times.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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Your toaster oven starts cursing tomorrows about its lack of toasting element. Time to invest in a bigger one
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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Always remember to drink your ovaltine.
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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Today, you'll find yourself captivated by the intricate patterns formed by spilled coffee on the café table, unraveling a prophetic message for the day ahead.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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A flock of flamingos will provide a sensational and surprising display of synchronized dancing in the park. Take a break from your daily duties to appreciate this rare phenomenon.
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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An unusual cosmic energy will cause an abundance of cacti to appear in your life, which you will need to learn to live with and appreciate, despite the spines and general dryness.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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Today you will suddenly know everything about accurate fireworks displays
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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You will have a dream about sponges tonight. Embrace the weirdness of it, and let it inspire you to be more absorbent and soft in your interactions with others.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Your boat will crash into your house. Don't worry, you don't own a boat... right?
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
