Wacky Horoscopes

The world is your oyster, so eat it.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You'll suddenly gain phenomenal knowledge of jazz music, so you'll be able to accurately describe every famous musician in detail.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

You'll be visited by a squad of marshmallow soldiers intent on kidnapping your baby. Lt. Colonel Marshmallow needs your help.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Beware of mischievous fairies rearranging your furniture while you sleep.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You will experience an intense desire to binge-watch a reality TV show today. Do it. We all need mindless entertainment sometimes.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

At the dinner party, everyone will try to outdrink one another. Or you will confuse the white wine for ruining it.

Someone will tell an outrageously stupid joke today. Instead of rolling your eyes, try to appreciate the absurdity of life and embrace the laughter, however unintentional it may be. Laughter is, after all, the best medicine.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Your week starts off with a bold statement courtesy of a pungent food item that may or may not be expired. Remember: boldness is bravery sometimes.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You will discover a hidden talent for juggling watermelons. Become the ultimate fruity performer!

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Don't let the mules deceive you. Even though they may appear aloof, it is critical that you promptly address any molehills they erect, for they can metamorphose into mountains in no time.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

When you spill your coffee today, resist the urge to throw a tantrum. You'll get through this minor inconvenience without needing an adult to explain how life works.