Wacky Horoscopes

Your inner architect will be sparked by a night of wedging yourself into various shaped furniture.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

If you don't clean your room you'll get a fungus, if you do clean your room you'll get a fungus.

20 Apr – 20 May

You will receive a visit from a psychic hamster who will read your fortune from a tiny crystal ball.

21 May – 20 Jun

The number 7 will bring you good luck.

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Time spent with a book is worth less than that with your next-door-neighbour's ferret.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Don't step on the broken glass today.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You'll find something shiny today, make sure you keep it!

23 Sep – 22 Oct

In an unlikely turn of events, you'll encounter a street magician whose tricks are eerily accurate in predicting your favourite dessert.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Your weekend's worth of planning has worked out, and you're going to have a great weekend! ...Just as soon as you've gotten over this weekend.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you will be forcefully teleported to a different dimension

22 Dec – 19 Jan

A supernatural being will try to communicate with you today. Hopefully this doesn't involve crawling out of your television set.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

You will realize too late that an absolute monarch is still in thrall to the needs of his subjects when your hamsters start dying of starvation.

19 Feb – 20 Mar