Wacky Horoscopes

Meditate to clear your mind: Find a quiet spot and visualize your thoughts drifting away like clouds.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will be caught singing along to your favorite song.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

The traffic lights will turn green just for you.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You can never please everyone, unless you're a melon, in which case you can please everyone by just being yourself.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Avoid any pits or holes that appear today as they will surely be a trap set by an evil wizard seeking to enslave princesses from far away lands.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Today you will celebrate the arrival of an errant husband, who will have returned magically from the distant past. (but is missing most of his hats)

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

It is okay to be afraid. In fact, a little fear can be good for you. unless it's a fear of velcro, in which case, seek professional help.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You will discover a hidden talent for juggling watermelons. Become the ultimate fruity performer!

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You will find a lost remote control in the most unexpected place.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Today you will notice a divine symmetry in nature, and will have a great revelation

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will find yourself on an empty mountaintop, completely out of any mortal danger

A chance encounter with a crab will lead to a fruitful conversation about the meaning of life and whether or not it's worth fighting about. You will not come to a definitive conclusion, but you will have a newfound appreciation for each other's perspectives.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Tuesday, August 13, 2024