Wacky Horoscopes

The wind will powerfully whip through your hair, effectively blinding you for a moment. You'll curse the wind but appreciate the sensation.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

If you eat some sugar, you can speak Chinese.

An ordinary afternoon at the grocery store will transform into a life-changing encounter with a charismatic and enigmatic stranger who will challenge your perceptions of reality and introduce you to the world of lucid dreaming.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

When talking to a new person, be bold and talk about the apocalypse or someone you dislike, most people prefer to discuss their hobbies.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Your spirit guide for the day is a rubber duck; heed its quacks and waddles for profound life advice.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Try to eat a breakfast made entirely of candy today.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will soon be receiving good news.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

You'll be invited to a really cool party, but it'll be in your honour so you'll have to go.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will have an intense craving for pickles and ice cream.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will find a four-leaf clover today, but instead of bringing you good luck, it will accidentally summon a leprechaun. He will be eager to grant you a wish, but be cautious of what you wish for.