Wacky Horoscopes

Your bathrobe will gain sentience and become your best friend

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a fortune cookie.

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will enjoy an intensely powerful orgasm, and will think you've found heaven.

21 May – 20 Jun

Discover a secret talent for telepathy with a Virgo

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today you will have a staring contest with a wild animal and win.

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You dream about having a bowl cut and being a powerful wizard.

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will discover a hidden talent for speaking fluent dolphin. Prepare for deep conversations in the ocean.

23 Sep – 22 Oct

The moon will ask you to be its partner.

23 Oct – 21 Nov

You have always wanted to write a letter to your future self. Today is the day to do it.

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will find a four-leaf clover, but only after you have convinced a friend that three-leaf clovers are lucky too.

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You will gain a new appreciation for jelly/jello salad today.

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Trans people are hot. This will prove important to remember.

19 Feb – 20 Mar