Wacky Horoscopes

For those of you who live in the countryside, do not fear. There is no need to take your vegetables inside tonight, they will not be afraid of the cold.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

An omen is coming your way, but don't worry, it only happens once every thousand years.

You will have a dream about performing surgery on an orange. When you wake up, you'll wonder if it was a dream about rebirth or just citrus agriculture. You'll probably never know the truth, so just enjoy the orange juice tomorrow morning.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

All of your candles are repayments for past debts. Enjoy the brief fluorescence.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

The first raindrop of the season will land on your nose.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Your company will today shut down for fifteen hours, requiring you to have fun

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Try to avoid spicy foods today, anyway spicy foods that you aren't accustomed to.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

A stranger's envy will manifest as a subconscious tendency to copy your mannerisms today. Notice this and smile, but keep your secrets.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

This year, you will find your soul's purpose in the pursuit of the perfectly wrinkled shirt. Your obsession with the art of nonchalant elegance will be revered by those in the know.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

That cute coworker you've been flirting with will eat at the hot desk next to you today. Seal the deal by offering them half your lunch. They'll be impressed by your generosity.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

An encounter with a charismatic and enigmatic fortune teller will leave you questioning the nature of fate and destiny, as they reveal an unforeseen twist in your destiny that will challenge your perception of reality.