Wacky Horoscopes

Spend time with a Crab, they could use the company.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Be weary of all old people on the beach today, especially those offering to help you bury your new pet.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Today you will accidentally provoke a dog and a mailman into dancing with each other while you hide indoors

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Prepare for a peculiar craving for pickles and ice cream—a delightful combination that defies logic but satisfies your taste buds.

In ancient cultures, you were seen as the sun and the moon. In modern times, you are seen as a shadowy figure, often in the background, rarely in the spotlight. Today, you can change this by making a big scene in a restaurant.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Those weren't lenses you put in this morning!

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You still sleep with your teddy bear.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Today you will learn how to play the bagpipes.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today you will be confronted by a bat after realizing you've missed the last bus home

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will have an unexpected encounter with a famous person, someone you've always admired from a distance. Don't be starstruck - remember that they're just a person too. Who knows, maybe they'll impart some words of wisdom or offer you a tasty snack.