Wacky Horoscopes

Today you'll discover a rotating cylindrical object in your garage, leading to an exciting chase through the past.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will dream of being a butterfly today.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Steer clear of escalators; they have a mind of their own today, and it's not in your favor.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

All cats are grey.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Burn calories with firewise advice from a British earl

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

For the first time in history, an ant will win a Nobel Prize. Unfortunately, no one will know, because you're the only one who can understand their speech.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will join a long line of people waiting to have their kale transformed into mulch.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Like a twinkling star, you shall guide others through the darkness. Your presence and radiance will have a lasting impact on those around you.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

At some point today a rainbow will appear. Sadly, there is no pot of gold at the end of it. Actually there is, but it's filled with the leprechaun's literal diarrhea and is highly toxic.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will be audited by the IRS.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

You have an outhouse in your backyard.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

A moon eclipse predicts an important decision you will need to make about your life path - fate or destiny?

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Thursday, April 25, 2024