Wacky Horoscopes

A vending machine will eat your money today. Don't try to argue with it or get angry. Instead, use this opportunity to practice the fine art of patience and remember to carry small change.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You know that thing you've been meaning to say to your crush? Don't say it tonight, they're having a bad day.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

If you're feeling crabby, eat a crab.

Like a lotus blossoming in the midst of a pond, you shall emerge from your struggles today, radiating beauty and resilience. Embrace the fullness of life's challenges, for they are what allow us to appreciate moments of true tranquility.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

Today, you will discover that you have an unusual talent for attracting stray cats. Embrace this ability and see what transpires.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

You will never have to look for a car again.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

Today you will suddenly become convinced you want to get married and have children, and will start trying to design your wedding dress

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Meditate to clear your mind: Find a quiet spot and visualize your thoughts drifting away like clouds.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Everything you say will be taken out of context, so keep quiet.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

A professional wrestler will arrive at your house to take you to prom.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Today you will find a lost treasure map hidden inside a jar of pickles. Embark on a briny adventure!

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Your significant other will text you unexpectedly today. You'll be excited to hear from them, but unfortunately, they'll only message you to ask if you forgot to take out the trash.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Saturday, March 30, 2024