Saturday, March 16, 2024
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You are owed a pizza. Order it.
Aries
21 Mar – 19 Apr
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A syncronistic series of events will lead you to discover a hidden tunnel beneath your local library, revealing a community of harmless yet mischievous gnomes.
Taurus
20 Apr – 20 May
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Today you will try out a new brand of ice cream and will not try any others
Gemini
21 May – 20 Jun
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You are actually a pirate.
Cancer
21 Jun – 22 Jul
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You'll suddenly find yourself in possession of a pharaoh statue and will be stunned at the revelation of your ancient umber power.
Leo
23 Jul – 22 Aug
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Today you will find perfectly preserved confused mammoth meat in your freezer. Eat whatever's left
Virgo
23 Aug – 22 Sep
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For those of you who live in the countryside, do not fear. There is no need to take your vegetables inside tonight, they will not be afraid of the cold.
Libra
23 Sep – 22 Oct
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Giraffes look dorky but they're actually very dangerous. Keep your distance
Scorpio
23 Oct – 21 Nov
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You should always talk to your plants.
Sagittarius
22 Nov – 21 Dec
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People will call you a socialist if you order a set meal at a restaurant today.
Capricorn
22 Dec – 19 Jan
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It's a good day to bench press your pet.
Aquarius
20 Jan – 18 Feb
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Today, you will feel the need to create. Do not do this with paint, as you have no artistic ability whatsoever.
Pisces
19 Feb – 20 Mar
