Wacky Horoscopes

You are destined for greatness in the world of casual insults. Your ability to deliver blistering comebacks with a deftness that would make a razor-tongued legend like Oscar Wilde envious will be unparalleled.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will have a deep conversation with a flower today.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

This year, you will find your true calling in the world of curse words. Your ability to artfully combine inventive expletives will be hailed as a masterpiece of creative cursing.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Someone called Brian will ask you for a favor today. Feel free to lend them your ears, but not your handkerchief.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

You will receive a mysterious package in the mail, containing a single ping pong ball with a note that reads, "Don't bounce it."

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Steer clear of escalators; they have a mind of their own today, and it's not in your favor.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You will discover a hidden compartment in your home filled with unexpected treasures: forgotten gifts, spare change, and even a mischievous elf. Happy hunting!

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Follow that cute dog and angry seagull. You never know where they might lead you and you could use the adventure. Just watch out for pigeon droppings. And dog slobber.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Today, the Wheel of Sushi turns in your favour. Adventure and delightful gastronomic surprises await you, should you dare to step outside your comfort zone and sample something new.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

Before leaving the house, check your hat for spiders; there's a high chance of arachnid activity in and around your possessions.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

Eurovision fans know Ukraine 2007 is the bee's knees, elimination of doubts imminent.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

That squeaky hinge isn't going to fix itself. You might as well tighten it before it wakes up the whole house.

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Thursday, February 29, 2024