Wacky Horoscopes

You will win an intense game of Rock, Paper, Scissors, but it will leave you feeling uneasy.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

A bird will unexpectedly poop on you today. This is a sign that you need to let go of your worries and embrace the messiness of life. Clean yourself off and move forward with a positive outlook.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Don't try to fix anything until you know for sure that everyone knows it's broken. Save yourself the trouble and wait for the torrent of angry texts complaining that the internet isn't working.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

You will have a strong desire to rearrange your books according to colour today. Proceed with this task, but don't get caught up in an endless cycle of perfecting the arrangement.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

A watermelon will fall from the sky and explode on the pavement next to you, revealing a secret map of treasures hidden within the produce section of your local grocery store.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Should you find yourself in a sticky situation today, a group of friendly squirrels will come to your rescue.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

You might feel the urge to crawl into a shell like a turtle today. If you do, make sure it's not a literal shell, and maybe choose a comfortable one.

Don't try to fix your own technological problems if you don't know what you're doing. Instead, ask for help or look it up online. You'll save yourself a lot of time and frustration by acknowledging your limitations.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Todays not a good day to try new drugs, stick to what you know.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

You will receive a strange vision tonight while asleep. It may involve potatoes. Don't be alarmed, visions of potatoes are known to predict good fortune.

Capricorn

22 Dec – 19 Jan

The morning will start off routine, but things will quickly heat up when you accidentally drop your breakfast burrito in your shoe. Improvements to the footwear-food protection industry are urgently needed.

Aquarius

20 Jan – 18 Feb

Today, you will have a strong desire to rename everything in your path. Try to resist this urge, especially if it involves changing your significant other's name to things like "Boonky-Boi the Third."

Pisces

19 Feb – 20 Mar

Tuesday, February 20, 2024