Wacky Horoscopes

Your lucky number is 87; repeat it three times before boarding any form of transport for good luck.

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

You will be consumed by a spontaneous and uncontrollable urge to dance today. Preferably somewhere public.

Taurus

20 Apr – 20 May

Your significant other will inexplicably forget an important date. Ignore their pathetic excuses and cherish your alone time.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

Your ability to find the perfect present for every occasion, tailored to the unique interests and desires of the recipient, will be revered by all.

Today you will embrace your inner pirate and talk like a sailor immobilizing everyone with your excruciating dialogue starting with arr and ending with matey Argh, ye scalawag! Ye better watch yer back today or ye might walk the plank amid a whim of steel!

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Your name will be chosen for the winner of a brand-new car in a mysterious lottery you never entered. Don't dismiss this unexpected opportunity - claim your prize!

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

A notorious crime will have you questioning the innocence of a seemingly innocent person. Use your detective skills to uncover the truth and solve the case.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Space lions are not to be reckoned with, watch out.

Scorpio

23 Oct – 21 Nov

Expect some confusion today. You will find yourself with extra potatoes but will have no idea where they came from or how to dispose of them.

Sagittarius

22 Nov – 21 Dec

In the realm of flirting, you are a star that cannot be denied. Your charms will shine brighter than the glow of a thousand celestial bodies. From seductive smirks to cheeky banter, your flirting arsenal will be brimming with irresistible tactics.