Wacky Horoscopes

You've always wanted to be an astronaut, right? Today is the day you start your interstellar archaeology career by beginning to dig for extraterrestrial artifacts. Happy digging!

Aries

21 Mar – 19 Apr

Tomorrow's lucky number is 111111.

You will be able to taste colors today. This will be an interesting experience but also very confusing. You'll discover that yellow tastes like mustard and that the color blue is disgusting, akin to eating soap. Hopefully, you don't have to eat anything blue today.

Gemini

21 May – 20 Jun

If you feel the uncontrollable urge to howl at the moon today, try to do so in an indoor setting. Howling exorbitantly is generally better suited for wolves.

Cancer

21 Jun – 22 Jul

If you have errands to run today, consider swimming there instead of walking or driving.

Leo

23 Jul – 22 Aug

Tomorrow will be a good day to sell stolen goods, especially if you have a lot of brass fixtures laying around.

Virgo

23 Aug – 22 Sep

A rare astronomical event will take place tonight, visible only from your backyard. Set up a telescope and prepare for a cosmic spectacle that will leave you in awe.

Libra

23 Sep – 22 Oct

Don't dwell on the past. You said something stupid? Join the club. We all have. The key is to move on and not let it eat away at you. Unless it was recently. In which case, you're fucked.